Current mood:	buh
Current music:	Tonic - "Let Me Go"

Hooray for old emails.
"Love is the difficult realisation that something other than oneself is real."
- Iris Murdoch

I wish I were more confident about writing in the third person. Writing about the revelations and thoughts in my mind just don't sound the same when using the word 'I'. It's just amazing how much of the world goes on when you're just doing nothing. I notice this most when I'm alone in the CBD of Melbourne, usually waiting for someone at the city's most popular rendevous point, the Flinders Street train station clocks. With Ludovico playing in my head, I watched the world go by. Every person you see there who is sitting on the steps, waiting for someone or just hanging out, they all have a life just as big and as complex as yours. All your thoughts, dreams, emotions, every person has them and it's a hard concept to grasp. Hearing nothing but music during this time of observation only makes it all the more surreal.

I feel as though I'm being left behind in the world. For as long as I can remember, my life has been split into school semesters. Sure, I live week by week, but most times of year are, in my head, related to dates of breaks from class, examination periods or times of assessment. A lot of my friends are finishing university now, and their lives are moving on. I had a goodbye dinner for a friend tonight, his life isn't arranged by semesters anymore, it's orchestrated to a 40/50/60 hour workweek with much less flexibility.

Another has become so much more scary in terms of life perspective. I think my thoughtless ramblings really hit a nerve and now he's trying to get as far away from a career as possible. You'd think I'd be happy about this, but I'm not because while I may scream about the horrors of a rigid life, I'm not angry enough to run in the opposite direction. It's as though I see a giant bear coming to rip my face off, but instead of running away, I stand firmly in place, more out of lack of enthusiam than anything else.

Every day I more seriously consider becoming a stand-up comic. Maybe it's the lifestyle or admiration of people like Doug Stanhope and Lewis Black who really aren't the best role models, but it just seems like such an appropriate way to escape the world. Nothing is serious anymore, anything can be turned into a bit for the amusement of others, pain or pleasure. The only catch is that I'm largely amusing only to myself, and the audience inside my head didn't pay for their tickets. Maybe I just need to actually sit down and structure my anecdotes into a more consumable form for the world.

I don't really feel many emotions for more than a few hours. I get angry about things, but I wake up the next day and I feel fine. I feel sad about something, but all I do is speak to a friend about penguins with flamethrowers and everything is okay again. Some emotions don't really go away, though, they can resurface at any time and make your stomach do a flip all over again, and all from the smallest provocation.

I have a hard time connecting with people, and it's something I really want to do. The problem with that is that I'm too superficial. When I say 'connect', I mean to have this sort of understanding of one another that is silently acknowledged, and for some reason I seem to believe that this is something I can only experience with women. Whether it's because this connection is something I equate very closely to love, or whether because if I ever found a guy who thought the same way I do I'd probably want to throttle him, I'm not sure. I want to be able to talk my personal philosophy with someone who isn't going to just ignore me or contrarily try to out-argue me on anything. I want to be able to ramble about some ridiculous piece of new without things turning into a fistfight. I want to be able to propose the ownership of a shark on a skateboard for the sheer amusement value without someone thinking I'm a nutcase.

In short, I'm lost but I kinda like it that way.